Stop Your Fighting

I love quiet. Unfortunately I have nights when the quietness brings every negative thought to my mind.....You're failing as a wife...How can YOU be an adoptive parent? Its been years since you began praying for this, where are your children?... What if her blood sugar drops while she's sleeping?...What if we can't pay all of our medical bills?...What if he doesn't know the plans have changed and freaks out?....Then I remember two simple words. 

Be.

Still. 

Be Still. Are you kidding me? I don't have time to be still. I have to figure this out. I have to find a way. I need to fight through this. I need to do this, I have to fix it all.

And then I remember...Only he can fix it all. God is showing me what being still looks like in my life.

Being still is being patient. I don't need to become discouraged when I hear other families finding placements. When we get the call then find out we are the back up plan. I have to remember he knows the perfect children for our family and in his time they will be placed with us.

Being still is love with grace and without unrealistic expectations. Marriage is not easy. It is hard dirty work. Marriage is choosing to love someone each day. Good or bad. If I only look to how innocent words may have stung or on things I expect but never expressed, I don't give my husband the grace and love he deserves. Worst of all a seed of bitterness begins to grow inside me. When I am still my heart softens and I begin to see this amazing man God has created.

Being still is hope. Hope I will be healed of Lupus. Finding the ability to turn my pain into worship and accepting my physical healing may not come until the day I see Jesus.  And Yes, there are moments of anger and sadness when I focus on the hard words of  I cannot ever say I am cured. But it does me no good to ponder those thoughts too long. Without being still my hope begins to fade. Hope that reminds me of the greater good God will work within me.

Being Still is acknowledging God created my family. Even if in society my children are labeled  as "special needs" I can look at the pictures of "normal" families fitting into "normal" society on Facebook with envy or I can choose to look at the boy who wants to spend all of his time at home where he feels safe. The boy who is special to me because I have the privilege to love him as he is.

Being still is most of all knowing that in all of the above circumstances God has fought for me. In the HCSB translation Psalm 46:10 is translated "Stop your fighting and know I am God". The comforting command Be Still (Stop your fighting) tells me God has it all taken care of. When illness, the hurts of living in a broken world, or allowing my negative thoughts start to take me down I can rely on His promise. 

My God has fought for me. 

For me.

He loves me and has fought for me. The battle has been won. I am worthy to be fought for. To me that is all I need to know to Be Still and let God have his victory.

"He makes wars cease throughout earth.

He shatters bows and cuts spears to pieces; He burns up the chariots.

Stop your fighting and know I am God,

exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth."  

Psalm 46:10 HCSB

Heals All My Diseases

  

How are you? I really don't like to answer this question. I often answer ok because I AM ok. I am ok because I have come to rest in the Psalm above. Yes, I do not feel well most days. My body often decides it will not function no matter how hard I try to make it. Honestly, I should answer I am great. I know God will heal all my diseases.

I just know the healing will come when I return to my Lord. When speaking with someone about Lupus, I always mention my sister. Most are always shocked to hear Lupus can be terminal. My sister Brandi, she was healed of her Lupus. In my weak moments, in all honesty, I am jealous. She no longer has fevers, pain, a body that does not function. And she can dance in the light of our Savior. I miss her. But losing her, when it seems like forever, is only temporary. Through her death I was made stronger. A gift. 

Each day whether my body is too weak to climb the steps into our home or strong enough to make a grocery trip without having to lean on a cart, my soul grows stronger. I am learning to live with a purpose. Learning, God wants to use me. Even if my hands and feet cannot be used for his purpose. He will use my heart, my mind, my soul. I am learning to give God my all in the way he created me to be beneficial in his great plan. 

And I will praise him all my days. 

He fills my life with good things. 

He surrounds me with love and tender mercies.

He will heal all my diseases. 

And until the time comes I will live my life with my whole heart, mind, and soul for his purpose.

Puzzle Piece

Question, pages and pages of questions, I check all the boxes that are part of our normal. I check the boxes because its time for answers and time to find the puzzle piece to connect with our son. Time to acknowledge our son is not the accepted normal in the world's society. 

In order to support and give him an opportunity to be comfortable in the worlds society, we've realized he needs to be acknowledged as who he is. It is not easy to acknowledge your child is not emotionally "normal". The idea of attending youth group and church terrifies him. Hands flap...tears flow...voice whines...it's too loud....they make fun of me...but he obeys and goes...our heart breaks.

Avoidance of playmates, he was shy. Avoidance of eye contact, he needs to learn manners. Arguing his answer is the correct one, he's rude. Falls down, he's clumsy. Obedient to anyone, he's a good kid.

The reality, his mind doesn't work as ours does. To him the idea of being around others isn't necessary, schedule is. He can't understand he can be wrong, sarcasm is true. Facial expressions don't mean a thing, his hurtful comments are just truth.

We accept our normal because this is God's will and not ours to question. He knows the grand plan and IT IS PERFECT. Even when we can't perceive it. 

Our normal now has another name to it....Aspergers.....high functioning Autism. A name that will allow us to understand and give him an opportunity to find moments of comfort in the world's society. The puzzle piece we can add to give him a better picture in life.

Tomorrow I Will Fight the Dog Over the Laundry

   

  

The dog is sleeping in the laundry. At least it hasn't been folded. It may never be folded. Newspapers on the couch, stuffing from dog toys cover the floor. And I am on the couch. I soooo want to clean it. I will rest tomorrow. This little lie has caught up with me. God has blessed me with a slow down mechanism as part of my Lupus since he knows me all to well. I have gone and gone maybe taking an afternoon here or there to rest. Last week the warnings were clear. When I've done too much my heart decides to slow me down. First racing then dropping to dangerously low rates. It's my bodies way of saying slow down. And if I don't listen. I tend to find myself being forced to rest. Flat on the ground....My face in my plate.....High school prom....Family dinners...It's never a fun time..When my body says I've had enough but my to do list says keep going. I argue when I should just listen. I've learned to listen. Ok, I listen most of the time...some of the time...I'm listening now. 

I forget how important it is to take care of myself. 

It is moments like this that reminds me how different living with a chronic illness is. How often I have to say no...bible study...taking trips with friends....just running errands during the day. I feel trapped in my own home. Forced to live a different life. I life I did not choose....but a life I must embrace. Our families normal...

A normal that has taught us to live life at a slower pace. Enjoying sunrises, sunsets, cloudy days. Reading books and playing games in bed. If I listen, life with chronic illnesses tells me what is important. How I spend my time....embracing rest because this is what God has planned for me today. He didn't plan for me to check everything off my to do list, my home to be perfectly clean. I will embrace that today I can offer reading together on the couch...tomorrow I can fight the dog over the laundry.

Stay Strong

This weather has been brutal, although beautiful.  For me, it is taking it's toll. I am exhausted...Sun + Snow...My new enemy. I really just want to rest. I tell myself tomorrow you can take the time. 

There is too much to be done. Therapy, lessons, doctor appointments, dishes, laundry, endless picking up ..day .. after ..day. Never enough time.  The 20 minutes I took with God in the morning isn't enough. 

I find myself in tears after another run to the store for what I've forgotten. My body is exhausted, joints ache, rashes from sun exposure....but there is still more to do, running through my mind. My mind is the most exhausted of all.  I want to say the dishes and laundry can wait. I just want to sit, not make any decisions, escape for a few minutes in a book without having to get up, answer an email. A verse comes to mind -

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31 ESV)

Wait..

Stop..

Remember..

Who I believe in...

A God who offers me wisdom and discernment for those to do lists, patience, humility, strength to carry on.

I return to a disheveled home. And IT IS OK. I sit next to my husband, where I belong right now. Open my book, I realize I'm not sure where I left off, should of used a book mark. But the almost 14 year old has placed one there for me. A simple index card, with words God knew I needed to hear. Stay Strong.

Surrender

It's been a long week. It started out well but by Wednesday I gave in. I just wanted an escape. The burdens of dealing with a Type 1 Diabetic child and my Lupus just wore me down. Unfortunately I turned inward instead of upwards. 

For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do. Romans 7:19 HCSB

These words played in my head every time I pushed the next episode button. I knew I just needed to turn back to God, open his word. It will heal...step out of the darkness and into the light of his mercy. 

In the darkness I focus on the mistakes I've made. Thinking I am doing so well to stop my meds, that because I don't feel bad I don't need them. Not wearing sunblock or a hat....my body reminds me these meds are vital...joints stop doing what I ask, fevers and rashes start appearing. Yes. I know what I am to do. The worst part? What example am I setting for the Type 1. Her A1c has hit 13.4. Dangerously high. Her pump is tuned, insulin good, sites in correctly. It all comes down to human error. Did you check your sugar? Did you bolus? Constantly we ask. Attitude and tempers flare. 

Different diseases. Same issue. 

We both know what we ought to do and we both think we've got it under control...that we can do it alone...we don't need any help. That is the lie you can begin to believe when you face an illness day after day. 

It is a lie that will isolate and send you into darkness. We were not meant to be alone, we were meant to surrender. Surrender control, fears of mistakes. Surrender to grace and mercy. In surrendering, I find hope.

Because of the Lord ’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! Lamentations 3:22, 23 HCSB

I Can't, I Quit

Lately I've wanted to throw in the towel. Yell, I quit at the top of my lungs. This is not something new. Quitting is always my first reaction to life's troubles. My mind momentarily shouts RUN, your not capable. Then I regain my thoughts and remember I am not alone. I can do this. 

I make the mistake of turning on Netflix instead of opening my bible. I use tv as an escape. It's much easier to live life in someone else's life. Their problems will be settled by season end. If only I could skip forward to the end, but that wouldn't be living my life.

My life full of troubles. We all have something we struggle with if we're honest. If we're authentic we can say I need a shoulder to cry on, I need a sister to tell me the truth in love, a safe place to confess my sins, a friend to hold me accountable.

Tomorrow I will not wake up and be healed of Lupus, have a perfect marriage, a child without Type 1 Diabetes, or Autism. No, tomorrow I will awake and do my best to get out of bed despite fatigue and joint pain; love unconditionally; monitor blood sugar and boluses, encourage her when she feels different from all the other kids; be patient when he's upset we're off schedule or plans have changed.

I will do my best because even though I begin to think I can't, I quit. God reminds me I can. God has put me here, allowed troubles to arise, and given me everything I need.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 HCSB)