I Can't, I Quit

Lately I've wanted to throw in the towel. Yell, I quit at the top of my lungs. This is not something new. Quitting is always my first reaction to life's troubles. My mind momentarily shouts RUN, your not capable. Then I regain my thoughts and remember I am not alone. I can do this. 

I make the mistake of turning on Netflix instead of opening my bible. I use tv as an escape. It's much easier to live life in someone else's life. Their problems will be settled by season end. If only I could skip forward to the end, but that wouldn't be living my life.

My life full of troubles. We all have something we struggle with if we're honest. If we're authentic we can say I need a shoulder to cry on, I need a sister to tell me the truth in love, a safe place to confess my sins, a friend to hold me accountable.

Tomorrow I will not wake up and be healed of Lupus, have a perfect marriage, a child without Type 1 Diabetes, or Autism. No, tomorrow I will awake and do my best to get out of bed despite fatigue and joint pain; love unconditionally; monitor blood sugar and boluses, encourage her when she feels different from all the other kids; be patient when he's upset we're off schedule or plans have changed.

I will do my best because even though I begin to think I can't, I quit. God reminds me I can. God has put me here, allowed troubles to arise, and given me everything I need.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 HCSB)

Paper Plates, the Dishes Can Wait

My body is saying no more. I have pushed it to its limits. After another day in fluorescet lights waiting for an answer to our daughters illness my body will not work. I do not have time for a down day. But I hear His clear voice. Rest. And I become thankful. I can fight the lie that is playing in my thoughts, You are lazy, just get up. Lies told to me by those who do not understand what one day with Lupus or Fibromyalgia is like. Instead I rest in God, knowing my body is not created like others. Despite my body's working flaws  "I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. (Psalms 139:14 HCSB).

I am remarkably made, God's works are wonderful, he did not make a mistake, and I will praise him to bring him glory through the work he is doing with my wonderfully broken body. Today I will be thankful for paper plates so the dishes can wait. Clean laundry that my never get folded. A day to sit with my children and read. Yes, I thank you Lord, for this good day.

Somedays I Feel Like a Toddler

It's 6 am and I am getting up. I DON'T like mornings. I don't know what I was thinking when the receptionist said will 9:30 work and I shook my head. I must of been in a post sleep dream state. Yes, I can be here again at 9:30. I love mornings. We can do so much while We're in Fort Wayne/Toledo if we go in the morning.  Target, the mall, we could go to the zoo. Then I realize besides the fact I have no money. I am too tired and ready for a nap after the doctors and the drive. I still have to drive back. We'll stop at one store maybe two. I'll rest tomorrow. Oh, I have to do this again. I'll rest this weekend. Fine, I'll just run into Target and buy what I need. I won't look at anything. Eyes on the floor. Look at that hat, I really could use a new pair of shoes (use not need), storage containers (I can get organized)... Get back in the car and go home and take a nap. Somedays I feel like a toddler. I argue and throw mini tantrums with myself. I know what I have to do to stay healthy, but I just want to play while that bright yellow thing called the sun shines down on me. Pretend my body will not say that's enough you need to lie down after 20 minutes in it's warmth. So in my mind I am stomping my feet saying no this is not fair, while I take the drive home and get into bed for a nap. And as I lay there I remember how thankful I am that I can walk, clean my house, and cook. My kidneys and brain are doing what they are supposed to and I don't have a fever. I forgot how nice it is to not have a fever. Ok. Nap time is good.

There Is No "Easy Button"

I love the Staples Easy Button commercials. I find myself looking for that button often.  Being a wife and mother is difficult on its own but add in Type 1 Diabetes, Autism Spectrum, Lupus or any illness, past hurts, or lost hopes,  you may find yourself looking for that button on a daily basis. 

It comes down to this one simple fact. We live in a world full of sin. Not a single one of us is without. We hurt each other without even realizing with a quick word, a simple act.

Life is not fair. A lesson we teach to our kids every day. It's not fair you are sick, you can't handle the plans changed, somedays mom has to stay in bed. Life isn't fair. I hate to say this but it's true in a fallen world. 

As I was looking again for that Easy Button, I thought of the red service phone you find in the store.   If you need help you just need to reach out and ask for it. I realize I may never get to push the Easy Button but I will get down on my knees and reach to a God who is ready to answer with grace and mercy.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

Miserable But Stuck It Out

We decided it would be good for our 11 year old son to go away to scout camp. That's asking a lot from a boy who does not like change. We always do our best to prepare him in new situations. For example last year we took a trip to Washington D. C., we explained how the subway system worked and he was excited for his first trip. His excitement changed quickly to fear when he was pushed aboard with out us. He was with someone from our group but it wasn't enough. From then on he had a death grip on my hand every time we boarded. Then this spring we flew to California to visit family all was well until we became lost and couldn't find the 405 or In n Out. Luckily we found both and since Elliott wouldn't eat his In n Out burger Jim ate two double doubles on the 405. 

As we prepared him for camp his excitement grew. Send off had very little tears. We decided to ease his anxiety by being chaperones later in the week. Tuesday, I received the first text, I wouldn't speak to him but texted I would be there the next day. Due to all the rain the schedules had been changed and he is not the go with the flow kinda person. Before he left I shared the verse Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I reminded Elliott God has control and knows what is to come and he can come to him with his anxiety. 

When I arrived Wednesday he begged me to take him home. I reminded that I had a responsibility to stay and so did he. Each day a new change would occur, his anxiety would increase. My heart broke for his tears. There was no reason for him to leave, he was safe and he had moments he actually enjoyed himself. Jim came for the last night and watched as Elliott was awarded a special award for the camper who was most miserable but stuck it out to the end. He's pretty proud of his award and has decided he won't be returning next year.

We Got the Call

The call came. I thought it was to tell us there is a problem with our home study. Surprisingly it was for a child. I had one of those moments when you praise God with dancing and singing. Sunny joined in the jumping and crying. Elliott sunk deep in his chair embarrassed I would behave this way in front of his friends. Nothing can contain the joy I feel. 

This journey has been so long. We began talking about adoption after we lost our twins, it was my third pregnancy. We knew I really shouldn't have children. Then Sunny came along. We started the process after losing another child. We were looking into different agencies when our heart was opened to the need for children in foster care. We chose a local agency and started the home study. The next week we found out Elliott was on the way. A few years passed but the longing deep inside never went away.  Again we found a local agency and started the process, Jim became injured and out of work. Everything was put on hold. Started back up, Sunny was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  We had no idea what was ahead, we again stopped the process.  Next a lupus flare. As I would look at my prayer journal. My unanswered prayer would bring a deep ache. I grieved adoption, like giving birth to more children, was a lost hope. My prayer was Adopt in 3-5 years. I wanted to write no for the answer. I could never bring myself to do it. Last year we started the process again. We were hit with trial after trial during this process. This time we did not give up. I truly believed the time is coming. After 13 years, we got the call. We now wait to see if we match. This one may not be our child, but there is one out there for us and we are officially ready. God did hear that prayer and one day soon their name, not no, will be written as the answer.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5 NIV

Too Short To Not Be Intentional

We are settling into a summer routine. Sleeping till 10 AM (Sunny, when I forgot she is not at school), eating ice cream for breakfast (Elliott thinking I was still in bed, while I was having my quiet time). It is turning out to be a very relaxing summer, although it may have something to do with my resting from surgery.
Thankfully this surgery has reminded me of a few things. Resting is good. We will survive the dishes in the sink and the laundry basket full.  I have amazing friends and family. And I want to be intentional. Intentional authentic relationships. The type of relationships that grow and need cultivating.
Last summer was quiet. My kids and I went our separate ways. They are older, what teen and tween want to hang out with their mom. At least what I thought. I think I missed something. I forgot how much my kids still need me. How much they need my focus, my intentional time.  Since the start of summer, we've had more conversations, more goofy moments, more intentional time. It takes effort but it has been so worth it. Not only do I know my kids better but I am learning some things about myself.
Realizing years ago that nurturing isn't one of my natural gifts, I began to pray for it. I have been blessed by trials to learn the true meaning of nurture. One of the gifts hidden amidst Type 1 Diabetes. Each day becoming a better mother. Not perfect but better. My next prayer is to be intentional. Remembering no matter what stage my children are in they will always need me in some capacity, even when they or I may not think so. Giving them all of my focus in our time together. Life is too short to not be intentional.