Not Fair

My brain has been a little foggy but for once Lupus is not at fault. Welcome to Celiac Disease. 

It turns out it's been around awhile. My digestive track is damaged throughout. I've lost the ability to absorb nutrients. The treatment no gluten. Never again. Not a bit. No cross contamination. It will take at least 6-8 weeks for healing to begin. Some of the damage unreversable. 

I begin a new normal. New normals are nothing new for our family. Part of the process of accepting a new normal is anger. 

It's not fair. 

Life isn't fair. I can't even count the times we've tried to explain to the kids why some people suffer with illness and others don't.

So here I sit crying because I'm exhausted and in pain. I made myself a gluten free birthday cake but I used the sifter which I last used to make bread. I've been miserable all day. All because I cross contaminated. Turns out even the smallest amount of gluten will make me sick. It tasted okay but it wasn't the same. And now I'm crying . Then I'm angry because I'm crying because I'm angry. 

I seem to have been here before. The whole sunscreen and hat rebellion. 

I remind myself it's okay. Be angry. Acknowledge my frustrations, but don't dwell there. Dwell on what I've overcome and what I can overcome. 

It won't be easy. So dwell on what I know, I've learned to live with a chronic illness. I've overcome fears, anger, disappointments, and frustrations. 

I've chosen to love a life that is just not fair and I'll choose to again.

But really...I can't be in the sun and now no cupcakes. I really love cupcakes. Maybe it's a good thing I can't have fluffy, moist cupcakes. Nope. Not there yet, not fair.

I really, really love cupcakes.