Anger is not an emotion I deal with or an emotion I allow myself to feel. I believed anger is wrong, dangerous, and unhealthy. However, when we acknowledge and process our anger it becomes healing. Without processing my anger I would still be sitting in my darkness and if I sit too long I stop listening to truths. Next thing I know bitterness becomes my new best friend. In order to process my anger I had to acknowledge where the anger came from and allow myself to feel the anger. So this past season I have been sitting in darkness, acknowledging my anger. I had to sit in it to face the anger of my son’s sexual assault and lack of justice. Then I realized I never allowed anger over my own sexual abuse, my losses, my health. After sitting, I invited God to sit with me. I fought allowing God in. I felt anger was no place for God but he has this thing he does, he keeps pushing a little here a little there until I either embrace him or I push away. I tried really hard to push away. I became so tired of fighting, I finally let myself feel anger. I spent time alone, sitting with God, saying nothing. I stopped fighting and began to listen.
Normal for Us
Finding our way through our families "normal" life of illness and special needs children.
Friday, May 3, 2019
Feel All the Feelings
Anger is not an emotion I deal with or an emotion I allow myself to feel. I believed anger is wrong, dangerous, and unhealthy. However, when we acknowledge and process our anger it becomes healing. Without processing my anger I would still be sitting in my darkness and if I sit too long I stop listening to truths. Next thing I know bitterness becomes my new best friend. In order to process my anger I had to acknowledge where the anger came from and allow myself to feel the anger. So this past season I have been sitting in darkness, acknowledging my anger. I had to sit in it to face the anger of my son’s sexual assault and lack of justice. Then I realized I never allowed anger over my own sexual abuse, my losses, my health. After sitting, I invited God to sit with me. I fought allowing God in. I felt anger was no place for God but he has this thing he does, he keeps pushing a little here a little there until I either embrace him or I push away. I tried really hard to push away. I became so tired of fighting, I finally let myself feel anger. I spent time alone, sitting with God, saying nothing. I stopped fighting and began to listen.
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Right Path VS Easiest Path
It really made me think about how I have been processing all that has happened this year. I’ve spent so much time on just wanting it to get better, to just have it over with and I realized it doesn’t happen that way.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
I Want You To Know
Monday, August 13, 2018
White Flag
Some days we just need a break from our chronic illness.
I need a break. I think it. I say it. I don’t do it in a healthy way. Lupus, Type 1 Diabetes, or any other chronic illness does not allow breaks.
My threshold for dealing with lupus has grown but also has my ability to forgot what I need to do to live my best life with Lupus.
Recently my daughter with Type 1 diabetes had enough. She took a break. And like Lupus there are no breaks. After not watching her sugar constantly she quickly went into Ketoacidosis. She was tired of living with Type 1.
I get it.
We want a break but our bodies don’t allow them. If I head out to run errands without my sunscreen I will spend days in bed with debilitating pain and fatigue. One day of not being vigilant with my Lupus and my body rebels.
We want to take a break and we know it’s not the best for our health. So what do we do.
As we sat in the hospital I suggested we give each other a break. When keeping track of meds, blood sugar checks, or applying sunscreen begins to overwhelms us we will tell each other. We will wave the white flag and say we surrender, will you help. Remind me to take my meds, slow down and rest, reapply my sunscreen, wear a hat. I will remind you to check your sugar, bolus your insulin.
There is no reason to go through a chronic illness alone, reach out and find someone you trust. Wave the white flag, surrender, and stop trying to do it all yourself.
In what areas of living with a chronic illness can you wave the white flag, surrender, and ask for help?
Not Your Normal First Day of School
Today is the first day of school.
Today there will be no first day pictures.
We had one of the hardest weeks. How do you comfort an autistic teen with PTSD? We had no clue, but the best we could offer was space and love. We endured hours of yelling and blaming. He only sees black and white. If you did something wrong why isn’t there punishment. Why do I have to get an education if someone who educated me, hurt me? Questions we don’t have answers to.
I think back and I can recall the first day of school picture from his eighth grade year. His smile, he was ready to start a new year. This picture I hold dear to my heart, it was one of the last pictures I took of him with a genuine smile till recently.
If I could do anything to change that fall, I would. The horrible truth is there are predators in safe places. No amount of safe guards and back ground checks will completely keep our children safe. Our schools are safer then they have ever been. Sadly sexual abuse and violence will still happen.
What are we to do? Especially if we do everything in our power to protect our children and they are still victimized.
We listen more carefully. Ask more open ended questions. Questions they cannot answer with a yes or no.Watch their body language when they talk about their day. Believe them. Let them know they are loved, they are safe. Question any comment they make that does not feel right. Trust your instincts. Talk with the other adults in their life.
I wish I could go back. The day he told me about the weird substitute who would come in and talk to him in the bathroom. The days he screamed and refused to go to school but we made him. The day another teacher called me and said you need to come get him, I'm a mom too and I can tell he is extremely upset. I know that if I would have questioned more in these moments he may not have disclosed the abuse then. But, maybe. We could have more evidence, maybe justice. We would have helped our son that year, not two years later.
Please help us spread awareness. Help us let children, who are sexually abused, know they are safe and not alone. They do not need to be ashamed. They are loved. They are survivors.
90% of children who are sexually abused know their abuser. ~ D2L.org
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Speak Out Against the Darkness
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
No More Shame
It happens in our communities.
We thought it couldn’t happen to our family.
But it did.
We have walked in a haze of emotions, not sure what to say or what to do. The one thing that comes to mind is there should be no shame. This should not be hidden, it must be brought into the light, then healing will begin.
If my child was physically assaulted it would not be hidden, so why do we make our children feel they need to hide in shame when they are sexually assaulted. Shame has to stop. Because of my own experience I will tell you shame only hinders the healing process.
When we first found out what had been done to our son we told very few people, allowed the police to investigate. Now the investigation is finished, no charges will be made because there is no evidence. Two years was too late, no one remembers, no one will speak up. Except for our family.
Two years ago our son started refusing to go to school. We assumed it had to do with his Autism. He began hating science, a subject he loved and excelled in. Progressively we dealt with anger, withdrawal, depression and thoughts of suicide. We knew something was wrong so instead of going back to work, I stayed home with him. One morning he made a comment and it all made sense. Horrible, devastating sense.
Our son was groomed, but we missed the signs. We saw them as a misunderstanding of conversation between a teen with Autism and an adult. The second my son spoke his secret all those conversations rushed to our minds. The warnings we missed.
It has been almost a year since our son shared his secret of what happened his eighth grade year. We cannot help but think what if he didn’t feel it needed to be kept secret, what if we decide to stop keeping secrets, to stop feeling ashamed. These kids are not victims, they are survivors. We cannot help them survive if we do not help them heal. They cannot heal if they feel shame.
Sexual assault will happen to 1 in 10 children by the age of 18.
While the rate of conviction is high, arrests are made in only 29% of child sexual abuse cases.
About 90% of child abuse victims know their abuser.
Only 38% of child sexual abuse victims ever disclose their abuse.
These are devastating statistics. What if we stop treating sexual assault with shame and secrets? One less child hurt, one less family devastated by abuse is all we are hoping for.
***This post was written by the suggestion of our son. We will not publicly share details of the incidents that occurred.
We are extremely thankful to our son’s school, guidance counselor, and teachers who have been supportive in helping our son return to school. To the family and friends who continue to walk this journey with us there are no words to express our gratitude.
For more information on Child Sexual Abuse:
RAINN rainn.org
Darkness to Light d2l.org