Glimpses of Hope

When the kids were little and we found ourselves with an empty cardboard tube we would look through and see each other. They seemed small and far away, only seeing a glimpse of them. They would let go to see all of me and laugh. I’ve realized this is how I am looking for hope. It’s a scary place to be. I have been asking God just let me see you work this out. Let me see this pain is not in vain. Let me see hope.

I did not realize I have been looking through a cardboard tube. Only looking for hope where I want to see it. When life is difficult I look to glimpses of hope to continue on. But what hope looks like may not be what I am looking for. I want to see hope as everything will return to normal one day...justice, healing, no celiac, diabetes, lupus, or autism. Hope may be found in all of this but not in where I am looking.

My vision of hope is too small. Hope comes in an hour of peace, Hey, do you need to talk, walks in the woods, ugly crying in safe spaces, serving others. This week I went looking for hope but I didn’t look to see hope only in my present situation. I put the tube down and started looking all around. And I glimpsed hope.  The boy found a job...a message from a long lost friend...a hot muggy walk in the woods...the most amazing gluten free grilled cheese. These were the moments that brought me the most joy. This is where I opened my eyes to glimpse hope not just in my situation but in my daily life. This is where I am beginning to see hope again. 

Where do you see hope?

Oh and if you ever wondered if God has a sense of humor...I was asked to help on a youth retreat next week. Guess where I’m staying....Hope College!

Once More

Our church has a Stations of the Cross 24 hours of prayer. It is a time to reflect, pray, and experience Easter with art. During my time tonight I found myself going between a drawing of Peter’s denial and a carving of the empty tomb. 

I feel I am at a place that needs resurrected. 

I opened my bible to read more about these stations. This is what I first opened to: 

Once more. 

My soul is yet again in a state of unrest. I deny God’s power even though time and time again he has been good to me. I am not the first to deny Jesus. Peter denied Christ three times the night before Jesus was crucified. He witnessed Jesus perform countless miracles. The dude walked on water, with Jesus. He still denied knowing him. He was in a state of unrest.

Even though I have seen God’s power in my life, I too deny him. I am denying his hope. His power to heal, how deep will our scars be? Will he deliver justice, how many families must suffer? We see a glimpse of healing, then it is gone. We sit with the elephant in the room. When will my soul be at rest? When will I stop denying his power?

Was Peter, too,looking for rest after his denial of Christ? In Luke 24 when Peter learns of the empty tomb, he runs. He needs to see. Does he now remember the power of Jesus? Does he now know his Jesus, his Lord, has the power to not only heal but resurrect life. Resurrect hope.

Once more. 

On this Easter I am running to the empty tomb and in the emptiness I am once more reminded of his power. He will resurrect my hope. He will once more bring my soul to rest.

Upset Plans

You never really know how much of a planner you are until your plans have been upset. I really thought I had a good plan. The problem was my timing is not God's timing. I had no clue the path I would end up on. And oh how I have fought it.

And now I am here wrestling with fear. That's how I've been feeling. I thought I knew that I was in God's hands but my actions have proven otherwise.

To be totally honest, I have allowed fear to take over my hope.

And all because what is happening in my life is not how or when I would have it happen.

I have spent the last few months wrestling with everything...my faith...God's will...all because I want it my way. 

I take my eyes away from Jesus because  the details don't make sense to me. I forget he knows the details that affect today and tomorrow.

A month ago we were hoping to be considered to adopt two precious children. But our path has been detoured by an amazing opportunity for our family to move closer to family and our doctors. Ten years ago I prayed for a job for my husband. I never thought God would answer when we had an opportunity to adopt.

The timing doesn't make sense to me. Adopting...Moving. How are we to do both?

So here I am, I have taken my eyes away from Jesus and placed them on the fear of the unknown. 

Fearing we will lose this opportunity to grow our family...Fearing once again it's not going to happen...Fearing I will have to be patient to wait for more children...Fearing I won't have the patience and give up.

So as we wait to know if we are a match for these children, our family is holding on to hope that seems imposible.  

I am surrendering my fear and holding on to hope because I believe in a God who moves mountains.

Holding on to hope because my God is with me even when I begin to doubt and look away long enough to begin to fear.

Holding on to hope even when I know the outcome is not when or what I may want because I know God has something even better planned. 

I will hope in the tomorrow God has planned because with God there really are no upset plans.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 HCSB