Changing My Response

Some days are good. Some days are ok. Some days are bad. Then some days are so bad you are left weak.

How I would love to tell you I was strong...that I didn't cry...that I found hope. In the moment it is hard to stand strong, to breathe. I am left weak.

Sometimes you have to hold it together because you can't fall apart now. Not in the moment. You have to stand strong...even when your legs go weak...your breath is frozen...your heart aches.  

You will find the will to stand, the patience, and strength. You will breathe. 

You will remember this moment will pass. 

You will not give up. You will hope. 

You know your situation isn't changing. Only how you respond can change.

Our normal is still our normal. Our daughter is still diabetic. Our son still has Aspergers. I still have Lupus. Our medical bills are still not paid. Our hope to adopt still unfulfilled.

No matter what you are facing you can find hope. Hope in the illness, your child's pain, financial burdens, loss. Hope can be found. 

I find Hope in saying yes I can survive this, even though deep down I want to say I give up. I have to reach even deeper and ask for the strength and patience I don't have. I have to call out.

The situation has not changed but I am changing my response. Hope. I will tell my self keep digging deeper, fight the urge to give up. Humble myself and realize I can't always find hope on my own. Remind myself God has never let me down. When I can't find the words nor the strength to speak, He hears. He restores my hope.

Getting Uncomfortable

Its been awhile.

Crazy.

New.

A blessing.

It's been two months since we've uprooted our family and moved back to Indiana. We were tied to our little town of Bryan, OH, church, and friends. I'd say uprooted is a good choice for describing how we feel, especially a teenage girl and Aspergers boy.

They have done better than I at times. And I love change. Just ask Jim how many times he came home from work and found the house rearranged. Lately, change has meant fear. 

To overcome fear I often list how God has blessed me. 

So here it goes...

As a homeschooling family it's been great to have Jim on 2nd shift.

We've found a new home church. Our last move took 2 years.

Doctors appointments are no longer a full day event. It's a quick 30 minute drive. And there just happens to be a Starbucks on the way.

Jim's new insurance is amazing.  I held off ordering Sunny's supplies last month because we just couldn't squeeze out the $300 a month co pay only to find out our new insurance covers them 100%! And yesterday Elliott's heart echo, which is to to be the first of many, covered 100%. I was a little excited...I may have yelped...Elliott may have been embarrassed.

Our home is a rental that is bigger than anywhere we've lived. Old, capped off gas light fixture, old. Lots of character, translated needs some work. Best of all our wonderful landlord, and I mean the landlord is amazing, didn't even blink an eye when we asked about our zoo moving in with us. 3 dogs, 3 cats, 2 fish, 1 iguana. Didn't blink. Ok, maybe he was shocked. Normally, the look we get.

Jim has reconnected with many friends. I've run into family at the grocery store. With a quick drive I can see my parents or even help drive them for doctor appointments. My brother can be seen in a quick day trip. Jim's brother, 15 minutes. We've never lived this close to family.

Grandpa...Jim's sweet 90 year old grandpa. The best man in our wedding. Just down the street. Jim takes him shopping every Tuesday, off like a herd of turtles. Grandpa's words. Thursdsay's I cook lunch and we eat there together and look through Grandpa's pictures and his room full of...well if you need it it's probably in there.

Growth...nothing helps you grow like jumping into a new environment. Getting uncomfortable. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable as making new friends. It makes me vulnerable. Will they understand when I cancel at the last minute because my body's not cooperating, my son is having a bad day, my daughter's blood sugar is sky high. Having an illness doesn't make you very reliable. I'm afraid. I'm an introvert. I forget my own good qualities I can share with others. So I've been giving myself the speech I've been giving my kids. Friends are important. We are meant to do life together. Each new friendship stetches us a new direction, blesses us in a new way. My friends from Cincinnati, I love them like sisters. Even though we've moved 10 years ago, we reconnect every summer. In Bryan, I was hesitant to make friends. I had one bad experience at the library's story time and I allowed it to stop me. I didn't make true friends until I was humbled by a Lupus flare. These women, who I didn't even try to get to know, came to our home and served my family. Primarily, they opened my heart to amazing friendships. Friendships that have grown over bible studies, meals shared, serving together. So how can I say yes to fear and no to finding the friendships for this season in my life. If they're anything like the friends I've found, I am going to be blessed. 

Yes...blessed.

I Am Thankful

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the many ways we are blessed. It is also the time of year we lost my sister to her battle with lupus. She was and still is a blessing to me, I'm thankful for the many lessons she taught me.

....hope. You remind me to find hope even when my physical pain seems unbearable.

...stubbornness. You where the most stubborn person I've known. Stubbornness can also be powerful in fighting for those you love.

...courage. You taught me to not be afraid of new opportunities. Forcing me to go to homecoming, to ride in the front of roller coasters. You taught me to find excitement in new things.

...love. It's unconditional.

....laughter. It's okay to laugh when your sick, it will actually make you feel better.

...do overs. When you make mistakes just start over. 

...time is short. Make the best of your life you don't know how much time you have. 

...strength. You wrote a paper about your little sister as your hero because she had strength she did not know she had. When the days are hard and the pain is too much I remember that I am someone who is strong and can continue to fight.

...faith. You shared Gods story of love and forgiveness with me. Reminding me that no matter when or where I need him, he's there and he loves me.

In the 18 years you were here, you made the best of your time. You left us all with a little piece of yourself, you made mistakes, you loved, you inspired. 

I am thankful. 

Right Plan, Right Now

 Sometimes I think I give up too easily. In the past few months God has taught me that because I said no doesn't mean I've given up.

I am totally a type A personality. I always have a plan. As a teenager I had my entire life figured out. Illness and life in general has a way of putting in quite the road block. And I've always thought if I say no it means I have given up. 

I am learning I did not give up. It just isn't the right plan, right now. 

I think about my college years. Forfeiting  scholarships, starting over every year. Honestly, I thought I was weak. Truthfully, I was fighting for my life. I had developed kidney disease, my first real Lupus flare. Although, in my mind I had given up...I hadn't followed the plan.

The truth was a hard pill to swallow. It meant my plan wasn't right, right now. I don't know if I will ever be able to return to school. But maybe I'm supposed to learn something in a different way at a different time...Or just an important life lesson.

This lesson has taken years to learn. But I have learned it now at the right time.

A time I really needed it. As most of you know this was our third attempt at adopting. And again we are at a roadblock. We are at peace that this moment is not the right time. Even though adopting is the right thing. 

The desire is so strong...our hearts hurt that two little boys will not be ours...and tears have been shed.

...but a peace has come over us. 

We will adopt.

Only when it's the right plan and the right now. 

         

Held In Our Hearts

I think of the children we've lost through miscarriage often. But I never thought how it would affect the two children we were blessed to raise.

She was my fourth pregnancy and she was only 6 months old when we suffered our last miscarriage. Never knowing whether she has sisters or more brothers, if they'd look more like her brother or herself. 

She loves them any way.

As we sit together and share tears of what could have been our family. She asked me can we name them. A question that showed me she didn't need to meet them to love them. That just like her dad and I there are empty places in her heart.

She is looking for a connection. Showing us how big her heart is.

Losing a pregnancy didn't only affect my husband or I. It affected our family. To think we’d be a family of nine. Today, we shed tears in rememberence for the five sweet babies our family holds in our hearts. 

***October is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness. 

***Pregnancy loss and complication is very common in Lupus. Patients are advised to not become pregnant unless their disease activity is under control.

Upset Plans

You never really know how much of a planner you are until your plans have been upset. I really thought I had a good plan. The problem was my timing is not God's timing. I had no clue the path I would end up on. And oh how I have fought it.

And now I am here wrestling with fear. That's how I've been feeling. I thought I knew that I was in God's hands but my actions have proven otherwise.

To be totally honest, I have allowed fear to take over my hope.

And all because what is happening in my life is not how or when I would have it happen.

I have spent the last few months wrestling with everything...my faith...God's will...all because I want it my way. 

I take my eyes away from Jesus because  the details don't make sense to me. I forget he knows the details that affect today and tomorrow.

A month ago we were hoping to be considered to adopt two precious children. But our path has been detoured by an amazing opportunity for our family to move closer to family and our doctors. Ten years ago I prayed for a job for my husband. I never thought God would answer when we had an opportunity to adopt.

The timing doesn't make sense to me. Adopting...Moving. How are we to do both?

So here I am, I have taken my eyes away from Jesus and placed them on the fear of the unknown. 

Fearing we will lose this opportunity to grow our family...Fearing once again it's not going to happen...Fearing I will have to be patient to wait for more children...Fearing I won't have the patience and give up.

So as we wait to know if we are a match for these children, our family is holding on to hope that seems imposible.  

I am surrendering my fear and holding on to hope because I believe in a God who moves mountains.

Holding on to hope because my God is with me even when I begin to doubt and look away long enough to begin to fear.

Holding on to hope even when I know the outcome is not when or what I may want because I know God has something even better planned. 

I will hope in the tomorrow God has planned because with God there really are no upset plans.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 HCSB

Growth

It's been a whirlwind of change in our home. I've been rather distracted lately...Difficult descions have been made...and it's time for us all to do a little growing.

One of our changes is sending Sunny to high school. I have gone back and forth with the decision. Is she ready? Am I ready? Did I teach her enough? Will I be called every day because of sugar issues?

It came down to saying yes among all these fears. I never felt the desire or the need to homeschool through high school. Part of me wants them to never leave. Part of me wants them to start spreading their wings and seeing what is out in the world. It came down to me saying this is what is best for our family. I will not allow others opinions change how I feel or allow me to question my choices. I am not proud to admit...but I have spent too much time thinking about what others say about my decisions. 

Maybe I have grown up a bit. 

Just maybe the challenges God has allowed me to face has also allowed me to grow.

Growth in healthy friendships. I seek out wisdom from the friends I know will prayerfully give me advice. Advice where I will not be judged if I agree or disagree.

Growth as a mother. I am learning to value every moment, the good, the bad. Growing every day.

So as we watched her cross the street, my heart broke a little bit. But that little bit of brokenness is allowing something new to grow.