Right Plan, Right Now

 Sometimes I think I give up too easily. In the past few months God has taught me that because I said no doesn't mean I've given up.

I am totally a type A personality. I always have a plan. As a teenager I had my entire life figured out. Illness and life in general has a way of putting in quite the road block. And I've always thought if I say no it means I have given up. 

I am learning I did not give up. It just isn't the right plan, right now. 

I think about my college years. Forfeiting  scholarships, starting over every year. Honestly, I thought I was weak. Truthfully, I was fighting for my life. I had developed kidney disease, my first real Lupus flare. Although, in my mind I had given up...I hadn't followed the plan.

The truth was a hard pill to swallow. It meant my plan wasn't right, right now. I don't know if I will ever be able to return to school. But maybe I'm supposed to learn something in a different way at a different time...Or just an important life lesson.

This lesson has taken years to learn. But I have learned it now at the right time.

A time I really needed it. As most of you know this was our third attempt at adopting. And again we are at a roadblock. We are at peace that this moment is not the right time. Even though adopting is the right thing. 

The desire is so strong...our hearts hurt that two little boys will not be ours...and tears have been shed.

...but a peace has come over us. 

We will adopt.

Only when it's the right plan and the right now. 

         

Held In Our Hearts

I think of the children we've lost through miscarriage often. But I never thought how it would affect the two children we were blessed to raise.

She was my fourth pregnancy and she was only 6 months old when we suffered our last miscarriage. Never knowing whether she has sisters or more brothers, if they'd look more like her brother or herself. 

She loves them any way.

As we sit together and share tears of what could have been our family. She asked me can we name them. A question that showed me she didn't need to meet them to love them. That just like her dad and I there are empty places in her heart.

She is looking for a connection. Showing us how big her heart is.

Losing a pregnancy didn't only affect my husband or I. It affected our family. To think we’d be a family of nine. Today, we shed tears in rememberence for the five sweet babies our family holds in our hearts. 

***October is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness. 

***Pregnancy loss and complication is very common in Lupus. Patients are advised to not become pregnant unless their disease activity is under control.