Feel All the Feelings

I haven’t accomplished much this year. I would rather blame my lack of disinterest in life on business. In reality I was unwilling to feel all the feelings and face the anger I have felt during this season of my life, but once I allowed myself to sit in my anger the most amazing thing happened.

On our journeys we experience seasons we would rather forget. This season I experienced anger. Yeah...anger...an emotion I avoid. For the first time I acknowledged my anger. I sat in my anger. It was hard, ugly, lonely, tortuous. Facing my anger was my darkest season. Facing my anger is what I needed, not what I wanted. I attempted to avoid my anger for as long as possible but as always when you need it God will continually show it to you. In this season I needed to be angry. 

Anger is not an emotion I deal with or an emotion I allow myself to feel. I believed anger is wrong, dangerous, and unhealthy. However, when we acknowledge and process our anger it becomes healing. Without processing my anger I would still be sitting in my darkness and if I sit too long I stop listening to truths. Next thing I know bitterness becomes my new best friend. In order to process my anger I had to acknowledge where the anger came from and allow myself to feel the anger. So this past season I have been sitting in darkness, acknowledging my anger. I had to sit in it to face the anger of my son’s sexual assault and lack of justice. Then I realized I never allowed anger over my own sexual abuse, my losses, my health. After sitting, I invited God to sit with me. I fought allowing God in. I felt anger was no place for God but he has this thing he does, he keeps pushing a little here a little there until I either embrace him or I push away. I tried really hard to push away. I became so tired of fighting, I finally let myself feel anger. I spent time alone, sitting with God, saying nothing. I stopped fighting and began to listen. 

Today, I find myself on the same journey but my season has changed. Moments of pain and anger still linger, but now I let myself feel all the feelings. I learned when I sit in darkness, I just need to look for the the sliver of light that reminds me God will always be there. This is where the most amazing thing happened...when I began to acknowledge the sliver of light I found peace, not condemnation. I found comfort, not loneliness. I embraced the healing of healthy anger and it is an amazing thing. 

So give yourself permission, feel all the feelings. It brings about amazing things.

Right Path VS Easiest Path

I fell in the woods this week. Attacked in my happy place by a root hiding beneath the leaves. I went to clear my head. We are coming up on a year since we found out our son was sexually assaulted. I needed to process where we’ve been and where we are going. 

As I came to the end of the trail, I felt at peace. I had been thinking of how I have been focused on the the end of this, even though there really is no end and we will always deal with this in some way in the future. I was thinking about how when I hike I look forward, not looking where my feet are falling.  The path was covered in leaves so I knew I was in danger of missing something that could lead me to stumble. And of course I made it to the end of the path where I missed a root and sprained my ankle. 

It really made me think about how I have been  processing all that has happened this year. I’ve spent so much time on just wanting it to get better, to just have it over with and I realized it doesn’t happen that way. 

I am at a place where I am asking what is my next step. What do we do now since an arrest is not going to be made? Statue of limitations will run out in a year and our son’s chance for justice will be gone. How do we process all the damage, all that has been stolen from our son, our family. We have watched our son lose his education, time with friends and family, his trust in people, all because of the actions of one person. 

My son in his anger unleashed on about all he had lost. He said to me what are you going to do, you need to do more, I only have one more year. 

So what am I to do? I’ve been looking forward, to just getting us all through. Maybe it’s time to start thinking about my next step along this path. I don’t want my son to feel this happened and the world just moves on. I want him to know I will be fighting for something to change. A five year window for justice is not enough time. Maybe my next step is not being quiet, not just waiting for justice to come. Maybe it’s time to look into what steps I need to take to advocate for all of us who have been sexually assaulted and the statue of limitations have run out. 

Here is my first step. Awarenes. 

Did you know that in the state of Indiana a child who is raped has only until they are 31 years old to prosecute, a child who is molested has only five years from the time of an offense to prosecute?  

I was 25 before I told a soul I had been raped as a child. My son waited 2 years. Most victims never disclose. 

Five years versus a lifetime of emotional duress...Doesn’t seem like a fair chance at justice...

https://apps.rainn.org/policy/policy-crime-definitions.cfm?state=Indiana&group=7

I Want You To Know

Dear predator,

Maybe you weren’t in your right mind, maybe you learned this behavior, maybe you were trying to see if you could get away with it. No matter why I want you to know...

The blame is all on you. Do you have any idea how much damage you have caused our son, our family?

I never knew how deeply one could feel anger. Today, as I sat once again in the therapist office, my heart burst and anger, so much anger, spewed out. All he said was I gave up, l stopped fighting him. How do we explain to him he did nothing wrong? When you preyed on him, trapped him more and more each day.

Our son no longer sleeps peacefully.We rarely see him smile. He won’t attend church. Struggles even more now with family functions. You knew he was on the Autism Spectrum. Do you know how far you set back his therapy?

Do you feel shame? As a teacher you were meant to help my son but instead you stole his education. He has missed over 200 days in the past past 2 years. My son is extremely intelligent and has past every class including honors math with an A or B despite these absences. Except science. You stole this from him. Science was his escape. When stressed he would watch science videos then he would say mom did you know...now, we don’t talk about science. He talked about going to college. Now we are discussing early graduation, waivers to skip his remaining science credits, possibly allowing him to withdraw and take his high school equivalency exam. 

But it’s not about his schooling. We will love whatever he chooses to do with his life. We just miss our boy. His autistic mind can not see how to find hope. Our family is giving everything we have to hope enough for him too.

Do you know what you have stolen? Holidays, vacations, just sitting around the table at dinner together. Do you know the financial burdens you have caused? We are behind in all our bills to cover weekly therapy. 

But his schooling, our finances, these do not matter. We want to see him find peace, to know he will be okay because right now when we look at his face, we see defeat and pain. 

I want you to know...This is what you have done.

I pray one day you acknowledge the damage you have caused. I believe whether or not we see justice, our son will get through, one day we will see the joy back in his smile. We will not allow our son to be your victim. We will tell our son how sorry we are, because you don’t. We tell him every day how much we love him even though we do not hear those words back. 

I want you to know...he will survive, learn it is safe to speak out, learn you are the only one who should feel shame.

Sincerely,

My broken but healing family

If you or someone you know has been sexual abused. Please reach out and speak up. Find healing and hope. 

For more information contact:

www.rainn.org

White Flag

Some days we just need a break from our chronic illness.

I need a break. I think it. I say it. I don’t do it in a healthy way. Lupus, Type 1 Diabetes, or any other chronic illness does not allow breaks.

My threshold for dealing with lupus has grown but also has my ability to forgot what I need to do to live my best life with Lupus.

Recently my daughter with Type 1 diabetes had enough. She took a break. And like Lupus there are no breaks. After not watching her sugar constantly she quickly went into Ketoacidosis. She was tired of living with Type 1. 

I get it. 

We want a break but our bodies don’t allow them. If I head out to run errands without my sunscreen I will spend days in bed with debilitating pain and fatigue. One day of not being vigilant with my Lupus and my body rebels. 

We want to take a break and we know it’s not the best for our health. So what do we do. 

As we sat in the hospital I suggested we give each other a break. When keeping track of meds, blood sugar checks, or applying sunscreen begins to overwhelms us we will tell each other. We will wave the white flag and say we surrender, will you help. Remind me to take my meds, slow down and rest, reapply my sunscreen, wear a hat. I will remind you to check your sugar, bolus your insulin. 

There is no reason to go through a chronic illness alone, reach out and find someone you trust. Wave the white flag, surrender, and stop trying to do it all yourself. 

In what areas of living with a chronic illness can you wave the white flag, surrender, and ask for help?

Not Your Normal First Day of School

Today is the first day of school.

Today there will be no first day pictures.

We had one of the hardest weeks. How do you comfort an autistic teen with PTSD? We had no clue, but the best we could offer was space and love. We endured hours of yelling and blaming. He only sees black and white. If you did something wrong why isn’t there punishment. Why do I have to get an education if someone who educated me, hurt me? Questions we don’t have answers to.

I think back and I can recall the first day of school picture from his eighth grade year. His smile, he was ready to start a new year. This picture I hold dear to my heart, it was one of the last pictures I took of him with a genuine smile till recently.

If I could do anything to change that fall, I would. The horrible truth is there are predators in safe places. No amount of safe guards and back ground checks will completely keep our children safe. Our schools are safer then they have ever been. Sadly sexual abuse and violence will still happen.  

What are we to do? Especially if we do everything in our power to protect our children and they are still victimized.

We listen more carefully. Ask more open ended questions. Questions they cannot answer with a yes or no.Watch their body language when they talk about their day. Believe them. Let them know they are loved, they are safe. Question any comment they make that does not feel right. Trust your instincts. Talk with the other adults in their life.  

I wish I could go back. The day he told me about the weird substitute who would come in and talk to him in the bathroom. The days he screamed and refused to go to school but we made him. The day another teacher called me and said you need to come get him, I'm a mom too and I can tell he is extremely upset. I know that if I would have questioned more in these moments he may not have disclosed the abuse then. But, maybe. We could have more evidence, maybe justice. We would have helped our son that year, not two years later.

Please help us spread awareness. Help us let children, who are sexually abused, know they are safe and not alone. They do not need to be ashamed. They are loved. They are survivors.

90% of  children who are sexually abused know their abuser. ~ D2L.org 

Speak Out Against the Darkness

School starts in less than two weeks. After a fairly calm summer, night terrors have returned. I can’t tell you what the connection is, maybe mother’s intuition, but I wake. I stand at his door and hear his wrestling. Nothing breaks our hearts more than watching our children suffer. 

Asking for help is all we have left. And to be honest it’s not much different than dealing with a chronic illness. Life is not meant to be done alone. Sadly, sexual assault is treated differently. In the end all we want is for our son to find healing. And as I’ve said before there is no healing in darkness. 

Healing comes when we choose to walk away from the darkness and shift towards a brighter light.

~Dieter Uchtdorf 

Today I just needed to release my frustration with trying to figure out how to help our son and I can’t be strong for my son when I am struggling with my own emotions. Spinning at our local Y helps me. I have no idea how torturing my body on a bike allows me to let go emotionally, but it works. There was no class this morning, I sat on a bike in the dark and peddled away my  frustration. Allowing my mind to break through the darkness I feel and shift towards a brighter light.

As I was leaving I glanced over and saw the prayer request board. How I longed to speak the truth of what has happened to our son and to allow our community to come behind him in prayer. I have walked past this board over a hundred times since we found out. Each time I passed I told myself this is too much to share. This is considered private.  

THIS SHOULD NOT BE PRIVATE.  

A substitute teacher, who was once in our community and has since moved on, groomed and assaulted our son. 

Today I walked back to the board and picked up a sheet. I shakily wrote the truth. For a moment I debated whether to fill in the contact information on the back. Being anonymous meant keeping this private, remaining in the darkness. I signed my name and asked my community to be behind our son and family in prayer. 

No longer is remaining anonymous okay for our family. Being anonymous only keeps us in the dark.

If you or someone you love has been sexually assaulted please seek help.

www.rainn.org   1-800-656-HOPE

                                                (4673)

**Anonymity was how our family started this process of healing. There is nothing wrong with reporting anonymously. Our family is at a place where we feel the best thing is for our voices to be heard regarding the devastating affects of child sexual assault.

No More Shame

It happens in our communities.

We thought it couldn’t happen to our family.

But it did.

We have walked in a haze of emotions, not sure what to say or what to do. The one thing that comes to mind is there should be no shame. This should not be hidden, it must be brought into the light, then healing will begin.

If my child was physically assaulted it would not be hidden, so why do we make our children feel they need to hide in shame when they are sexually assaulted. Shame has to stop. Because of my own experience I will tell you shame only hinders the healing process. 

When we first found out what had been done to our son we told very few people, allowed the police to investigate. Now the investigation is finished, no charges will be made because there is no evidence. Two years was too late, no one remembers, no one will speak up. Except for our family.

Two years ago our son started refusing to go to school. We assumed it had to do with his Autism. He began hating science, a subject he loved and excelled in. Progressively we dealt with anger, withdrawal, depression and thoughts of suicide. We knew something was wrong so instead of going back to work, I stayed home with him. One morning he made a comment and it all made sense. Horrible, devastating sense.

Our son was groomed, but we missed the signs. We saw them as a misunderstanding of conversation between a teen with Autism and an adult. The second my son spoke his secret all those conversations rushed to our minds. The warnings we missed.

It has been almost a year since our son shared his secret of what happened his eighth grade year. We cannot help but think what if he didn’t feel it needed to be kept secret, what if we decide to stop keeping secrets, to stop feeling ashamed. These kids are not victims, they are survivors. We cannot help them survive if we do not help them heal. They cannot heal if they feel shame. 

Sexual assault will happen to 1 in 10 children by the age of 18. 

While the rate of conviction is high, arrests are made in only 29% of child sexual abuse cases.

About 90% of child abuse victims know their abuser. 

Only 38% of child sexual abuse victims ever disclose their abuse.

These are devastating statistics. What if we stop treating sexual assault with shame and secrets? One less child hurt, one less family devastated by abuse is all we are hoping for.

***This post was written by the suggestion of our son. We will not publicly share details of the incidents that occurred. 

We are extremely thankful to our son’s school, guidance counselor, and teachers who have been supportive in helping our son return to school. To the family and friends who continue to walk this journey with us there are no words to express our gratitude.

For more information on Child Sexual Abuse: 

RAINN    rainn.org

Darkness to Light  d2l.org