Monday, March 18, 2013

Too Much To Do or Maybe Not

We are going to California this weekend.  I am so excited! Probably driving my family crazy.  This will be the first visit the kids will remember. I am so excited, really, really, excited!  I have it all planned out. I have looked at the maps, [I think I have the freeways memorized, and I can say freeway without being made fun of while we're there because that is what we Californians call the highways] calculated gas milage, food budget, and planned where we will go. I am so excited!

We are as prepared as can be for the whole TSA thing.  We had trouble the last time because of my sunblock, it contains metals and banned ingredients. I think we will just buy some there. But now we are in a whole new situation with Sunny.  Although they do approve her to carry on all her supplies, she will need to be personally searched according to their website. Our plan is to arrive early and be patient.

And now let the resting begin. I know it is what I need to do, but it's not what I want to do. There is packing and preparing for our home visit. Oh, did I mention that we have our home visit the week we return.  The last step and our home study is done!! Did you read that? Our home study will be done! Finished! Complete! Now that is exciting, really, really, really exciting.  If all goes well, we will bring our kids home this sumer. Did you read that our kids? I am smiling from ear to ear. Our kids! I love the sound of that! That is worth resting for. Our house really is ready, it's not going to ever look like it came from a magazine and that is ok.  As for packing, Jim and the kids are quite capable of helping to pack. So now I can rest and just be really excited! Yep, I am really, really, really, really excited!

Happiness vs Courage

I  want my children to be happy, however I have discovered what makes them happy is not always what is best for them.

Sunny had a rough start to our homeschooling year. Actually Sunny and I had a rough start to our homeschooling year. There were tears, angry words, and stomped feet. Not proud to admit, many were had by me.  We both often wanted to be right. O. K. We both wanted to be right ALL the time.  She said her work was too hard, in "real" school teachers are trained to teach the subject they teach so they know more than I do, she wanted to be with her friends, and  she wanted to be a normal kid (still trying to figure out what that looks like). I agreed with her 100%.

So back in November I placed her back in "real" school. School was still hard, her teachers do have more knowledge about the subjects they teach, her friends didn't have "room" at their lunch table and she had to find new friends to sit with, and  being "normal" for a diabetic kid is a  whole different kind of normal.

Sending her back was the easy choice or at least I thought it was. Her anxiety is too the point of tears some mornings and we have weekly discussions about letting her be homeschooled again. She would be much happier she says, but is it the best option for her.

She became ill last month and missed most of the month of school. She started failing her classes, she just couldn't keep up. I was frustrated with the school for not helping her get caught up. Then Jim pointed out to me I was doing all the talking with the school. Sunny is more than capable of working with her teachers to make up assignments. But it meant she had to speak up for herself. She had to learn to use her voice. Being someone with a chronic illness needs to have their voice heard or they can easily be pushed aside. I knew this personally with my Lupus, during high school I had to constantly ask for extensions on assignments. There were days when I literally could not sit up or even hold a pencil. Sunny has days when her blood sugar is so high she cannot concentrate on the simplest subject. Our voices need to be heard, we need to have the same opportunities as those without medical complications. But it takes courage (lots of it) to say I can't do this, today I need help, I have an illness that affects my entire life. She will need that courage until the day she stops fighting her diabetes. Life takes courage. Courage is not always the option that will make us happy.

We told her last week she will remain in public school. No discussion. She was not happy. I wanted to say yes we will pull you out, we will protect you from being afraid of challenges, working harder then you think you are capable,  and dealing with your peers. Then I got my head out of the clouds and accepted life isn't that easy. She will always face these issues, there will be situations that take us out of our comfort zone. We have to accept that we will grow through finding courage or hide from the realities of the world we live in.

So now that I chose for her to find her own courage. I have to find the courage to allow her to grow.

But now be strong, (Jenna) Zerubbabel,''declares the Lord. ‘Be strong, (Sunny) Joshua son of Jozadak, the high priest. Be strong, (Sunny, Jenna) all you people of the land,’ declares the Lord, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the Lord Almighty. (Haggai 2:4 NIV)