I am totally a type A personality. I always have a plan. As a teenager I had my entire life figured out. Illness and life in general has a way of putting in quite the road block. And I've always thought if I say no it means I have given up.
I am learning I did not give up. It just isn't the right plan, right now.
I think about my college years. Forfeiting scholarships, starting over every year. Honestly, I thought I was weak. Truthfully, I was fighting for my life. I had developed kidney disease, my first real Lupus flare. Although, in my mind I had given up...I hadn't followed the plan.
The truth was a hard pill to swallow. It meant my plan wasn't right, right now. I don't know if I will ever be able to return to school. But maybe I'm supposed to learn something in a different way at a different time...Or just an important life lesson.
This lesson has taken years to learn. But I have learned it now at the right time.
A time I really needed it. As most of you know this was our third attempt at adopting. And again we are at a roadblock. We are at peace that this moment is not the right time. Even though adopting is the right thing.
The desire is so strong...our hearts hurt that two little boys will not be ours...and tears have been shed.
...but a peace has come over us.
We will adopt.
Only when it's the right plan and the right now.