Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Lonely, Sick, Afraid, Worn Down, and Content

I begin to ask myself...am I doing something wrong if God is not answering my prayers? 

I've hit the realization that my relationship with God has changed. 

I am praying for results. Not a relationship. I'm no longer sharing my thoughts. I just pray a list of needs. What I think will make my life easier. What will make me happy.

Could I be content if our finances will always be tight, if I have another flare?

Could I choose contentment? Am I willing?

Choosing contentment means I accept the situation. Accepting the reality of having 3 major illnesses in our family. 

Is my relationship with God worth letting go of what I have no control over? I realize I am only asking God to just do something. Fix my problems. Fix me.

But God is not just a problem fixer. He wants to fix my heart.

He wants to heal the hurt and the pain in my heart caused by the struggle my children and I face with chronic illness. 

I've seen God answer prayers of physical healing. But to heal my heart? I've never asked.

I can accept God will know when and how to answer my prayers, to know he will work out the details. I believe in never giving up in asking for the desires he has placed on my heart and mind. 

But can I just be myself with him. When did I forget that I can be lonely, afraid, or worn down in his presence? When did I begin to think his answers to my prayers are a measure of how much he loves me?

It happens to quickly. I avert my eyes momentarily on what needs to be fixed, not Jesus, the one who has the power to fix my circumstances, body, and heart.  

My prayers will be answered. It will not be contingent on how often I ask or how many mistakes I continue to make. They will be answered because my God loves me (lonely, sick, afraid, worn down, and content).

...let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. 
Hebrews 12:1-2 HCSB