I haven’t accomplished much this year. I would rather blame my lack of disinterest in life on business. In reality I was unwilling to feel all the feelings and face the anger I have felt during this season of my life, but once I allowed myself to sit in my anger the most amazing thing happened.
On our journeys we experience seasons we would rather forget. This season I experienced anger. Yeah...anger...an emotion I avoid. For the first time I acknowledged my anger. I sat in my anger. It was hard, ugly, lonely, tortuous. Facing my anger was my darkest season. Facing my anger is what I needed, not what I wanted. I attempted to avoid my anger for as long as possible but as always when you need it God will continually show it to you. In this season I needed to be angry.
Anger is not an emotion I deal with or an emotion I allow myself to feel. I believed anger is wrong, dangerous, and unhealthy. However, when we acknowledge and process our anger it becomes healing. Without processing my anger I would still be sitting in my darkness and if I sit too long I stop listening to truths. Next thing I know bitterness becomes my new best friend. In order to process my anger I had to acknowledge where the anger came from and allow myself to feel the anger. So this past season I have been sitting in darkness, acknowledging my anger. I had to sit in it to face the anger of my son’s sexual assault and lack of justice. Then I realized I never allowed anger over my own sexual abuse, my losses, my health. After sitting, I invited God to sit with me. I fought allowing God in. I felt anger was no place for God but he has this thing he does, he keeps pushing a little here a little there until I either embrace him or I push away. I tried really hard to push away. I became so tired of fighting, I finally let myself feel anger. I spent time alone, sitting with God, saying nothing. I stopped fighting and began to listen.
Today, I find myself on the same journey but my season has changed. Moments of pain and anger still linger, but now I let myself feel all the feelings. I learned when I sit in darkness, I just need to look for the the sliver of light that reminds me God will always be there. This is where the most amazing thing happened...when I began to acknowledge the sliver of light I found peace, not condemnation. I found comfort, not loneliness. I embraced the healing of healthy anger and it is an amazing thing.
So give yourself permission, feel all the feelings. It brings about amazing things.
