Thursday, January 29, 2015

Changing My Response

Some days are good. Some days are ok. Some days are bad. Then some days are so bad you are left weak.

How I would love to tell you I was strong...that I didn't cry...that I found hope. In the moment it is hard to stand strong, to breathe. I am left weak.

Sometimes you have to hold it together because you can't fall apart now. Not in the moment. You have to stand strong...even when your legs go weak...your breath is frozen...your heart aches.  

You will find the will to stand, the patience, and strength. You will breathe. 

You will remember this moment will pass. 

You will not give up. You will hope. 

You know your situation isn't changing. Only how you respond can change.

Our normal is still our normal. Our daughter is still diabetic. Our son still has Aspergers. I still have Lupus. Our medical bills are still not paid. Our hope to adopt still unfulfilled.

No matter what you are facing you can find hope. Hope in the illness, your child's pain, financial burdens, loss. Hope can be found. 

I find Hope in saying yes I can survive this, even though deep down I want to say I give up. I have to reach even deeper and ask for the strength and patience I don't have. I have to call out.

The situation has not changed but I am changing my response. Hope. I will tell my self keep digging deeper, fight the urge to give up. Humble myself and realize I can't always find hope on my own. Remind myself God has never let me down. When I can't find the words nor the strength to speak, He hears. He restores my hope.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Getting Uncomfortable

Its been awhile.



A blessing.

It's been two months since we've uprooted our family and moved back to Indiana. We were tied to our little town of Bryan, OH, church, and friends. I'd say uprooted is a good choice for describing how we feel, especially a teenage girl and Aspergers boy.

They have done better than I at times. And I love change. Just ask Jim how many times he came home from work and found the house rearranged. Lately, change has meant fear. 

To overcome fear I often list how God has blessed me. 

So here it goes...

As a homeschooling family it's been great to have Jim on 2nd shift.

We've found a new home church. Our last move took 2 years.

Doctors appointments are no longer a full day event. It's a quick 30 minute drive. And there just happens to be a Starbucks on the way.

Jim's new insurance is amazing.  I held off ordering Sunny's supplies last month because we just couldn't squeeze out the $300 a month co pay only to find out our new insurance covers them 100%! And yesterday Elliott's heart echo, which is to to be the first of many, covered 100%. I was a little excited...I may have yelped...Elliott may have been embarrassed.

Our home is a rental that is bigger than anywhere we've lived. Old, capped off gas light fixture, old. Lots of character, translated needs some work. Best of all our wonderful landlord, and I mean the landlord is amazing, didn't even blink an eye when we asked about our zoo moving in with us. 3 dogs, 3 cats, 2 fish, 1 iguana. Didn't blink. Ok, maybe he was shocked. Normally, the look we get.

Jim has reconnected with many friends. I've run into family at the grocery store. With a quick drive I can see my parents or even help drive them for doctor appointments. My brother can be seen in a quick day trip. Jim's brother, 15 minutes. We've never lived this close to family.

Grandpa...Jim's sweet 90 year old grandpa. The best man in our wedding. Just down the street. Jim takes him shopping every Tuesday, off like a herd of turtles. Grandpa's words. Thursdsay's I cook lunch and we eat there together and look through Grandpa's pictures and his room full of...well if you need it it's probably in there.

Growth...nothing helps you grow like jumping into a new environment. Getting uncomfortable. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable as making new friends. It makes me vulnerable. Will they understand when I cancel at the last minute because my body's not cooperating, my son is having a bad day, my daughter's blood sugar is sky high. Having an illness doesn't make you very reliable. I'm afraid. I'm an introvert. I forget my own good qualities I can share with others. So I've been giving myself the speech I've been giving my kids. Friends are important. We are meant to do life together. Each new friendship stetches us a new direction, blesses us in a new way. My friends from Cincinnati, I love them like sisters. Even though we've moved 10 years ago, we reconnect every summer. In Bryan, I was hesitant to make friends. I had one bad experience at the library's story time and I allowed it to stop me. I didn't make true friends until I was humbled by a Lupus flare. These women, who I didn't even try to get to know, came to our home and served my family. Primarily, they opened my heart to amazing friendships. Friendships that have grown over bible studies, meals shared, serving together. So how can I say yes to fear and no to finding the friendships for this season in my life. If they're anything like the friends I've found, I am going to be blessed.