To Be Revived I Must Be Healed

I asked God to revive me this year. Revive. The word I chose to transform my life in 2017. I did not realize to be revived I would need to be broken or allow what has been broken to be exposed.

Revive - to give new strength. 

He will renew our strength. Isaiah 40:31...As if we have lost it...

I thought being strong meant I don’t fall apart. There are no cracks in my faith. Everything looks good from the outside so everything on the inside must be good. 

Strong...because God will keep me strong. Those who trust in the Lord will not grow weary. They will stay strong.  I am growing weary, losing my strength. However, I still believe God will keep me strong enough to not grow weary to the point I cannot persevere. I think...  What if cracks begin to form in my trust and my joy begins to crack? Doubt begins to seep in, am I too far past the point of perseverance? What if healing is what I need to persevere? To be revived?

As I have asked God to bring me revival I expected him to bring a fire to my faith. Instead, it has brought me to my knees, broken with no words, calling out Lord, Lord. 

I’ve spent years praying for physical healing but never have I thought to pray for emotional healing. Illness has taken a toll not only on my body but on my mind as well. And surely the cracks are now clearly evident. I may greet you with a smile, but I find myself retreating. I haven’t been in a church service in months. As the music begins the tears flow and I retreat. My heart was not prepared for the emotional trials we are now facing because I have not allowed healing to take place. I ignored my emotional health while urging my body to fight. The ups and downs of life with a chronic illness leave scars not only on my body but in my mind as well. It has taken a family trial to bring these scars to light.

And where light is allowed healing will begin. This is where I will find my revival, healing. It is here I will gain new strength, it is here I am challenged to allow Him to heal my heart.

...if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.   2 Corinthians 5:17 

When the Other Shoe Drops

I'm normally pretty optimistic but I sometimes find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop...the next life struggle. My life has been filled with shoes. I’ve seen my mom battle cancer, move with my family across the country after we lost everything, lose my sister to Lupus, develop Lupus symptoms myself...and that was the first 14 years of my life.

I will tell you that despite all those struggles there are blessings...remission, family and friends grow close, my perspective changes. I learned to see the blessings despite the struggles. And yes, you grow stronger and perseverance builds character.

This past month the other shoe dropped. Our family hit by the unthinkable. These things only happen to other people but it doesn’t. This is life. Real life is broken, full of tragedies, and struggles amongst the blessings.

When the other shoe drops where do I find myself? I want to think positive and  hold on to the lessons I’ve learned. Sometimes before I get there I end up here - tired of being strong. Those sayings - what breaks you only makes you stronger, perseverance builds character. I really don’t want to hear them. I’m tired of being strong, trying to persevere. I can read optimistic words about strength and perseverance. Tell myself it will be okay again. It doesn’t change my hurting heart. 

What does bring me strength and perseverance? I stop being strong alone. I begin with God. I take time to sit and just be in his presence. I dwell. Allowing myself to first rest in Him, I begin to see moments of peace. Find strength to get through today. I have the gentle reminder life isn’t meant to live alone.

I do believe we grow stronger through our struggles, perseverance builds character. They’re more than cheesy sayings. They are truth. Maybe not what I want to hear when I’m in the struggle. When life is going well I store up truths so when the shoe drops I remember where to dwell. Find my strength, just not alone.

**Currently our family is facing a mountain of a struggle. Part of finding strength is reaching out to others. We are keeping the details of this mountain private. We could use your prayers during this journey. Our family believes whole heartedly we serve a mighty God who will bring peace, justice, and healing. Thank you.