No More Shame

It happens in our communities.

We thought it couldn’t happen to our family.

But it did.

We have walked in a haze of emotions, not sure what to say or what to do. The one thing that comes to mind is there should be no shame. This should not be hidden, it must be brought into the light, then healing will begin.

If my child was physically assaulted it would not be hidden, so why do we make our children feel they need to hide in shame when they are sexually assaulted. Shame has to stop. Because of my own experience I will tell you shame only hinders the healing process. 

When we first found out what had been done to our son we told very few people, allowed the police to investigate. Now the investigation is finished, no charges will be made because there is no evidence. Two years was too late, no one remembers, no one will speak up. Except for our family.

Two years ago our son started refusing to go to school. We assumed it had to do with his Autism. He began hating science, a subject he loved and excelled in. Progressively we dealt with anger, withdrawal, depression and thoughts of suicide. We knew something was wrong so instead of going back to work, I stayed home with him. One morning he made a comment and it all made sense. Horrible, devastating sense.

Our son was groomed, but we missed the signs. We saw them as a misunderstanding of conversation between a teen with Autism and an adult. The second my son spoke his secret all those conversations rushed to our minds. The warnings we missed.

It has been almost a year since our son shared his secret of what happened his eighth grade year. We cannot help but think what if he didn’t feel it needed to be kept secret, what if we decide to stop keeping secrets, to stop feeling ashamed. These kids are not victims, they are survivors. We cannot help them survive if we do not help them heal. They cannot heal if they feel shame. 

Sexual assault will happen to 1 in 10 children by the age of 18. 

While the rate of conviction is high, arrests are made in only 29% of child sexual abuse cases.

About 90% of child abuse victims know their abuser. 

Only 38% of child sexual abuse victims ever disclose their abuse.

These are devastating statistics. What if we stop treating sexual assault with shame and secrets? One less child hurt, one less family devastated by abuse is all we are hoping for.

***This post was written by the suggestion of our son. We will not publicly share details of the incidents that occurred. 

We are extremely thankful to our son’s school, guidance counselor, and teachers who have been supportive in helping our son return to school. To the family and friends who continue to walk this journey with us there are no words to express our gratitude.

For more information on Child Sexual Abuse: 

RAINN    rainn.org

Darkness to Light  d2l.org

Glimpses of Hope

When the kids were little and we found ourselves with an empty cardboard tube we would look through and see each other. They seemed small and far away, only seeing a glimpse of them. They would let go to see all of me and laugh. I’ve realized this is how I am looking for hope. It’s a scary place to be. I have been asking God just let me see you work this out. Let me see this pain is not in vain. Let me see hope.

I did not realize I have been looking through a cardboard tube. Only looking for hope where I want to see it. When life is difficult I look to glimpses of hope to continue on. But what hope looks like may not be what I am looking for. I want to see hope as everything will return to normal one day...justice, healing, no celiac, diabetes, lupus, or autism. Hope may be found in all of this but not in where I am looking.

My vision of hope is too small. Hope comes in an hour of peace, Hey, do you need to talk, walks in the woods, ugly crying in safe spaces, serving others. This week I went looking for hope but I didn’t look to see hope only in my present situation. I put the tube down and started looking all around. And I glimpsed hope.  The boy found a job...a message from a long lost friend...a hot muggy walk in the woods...the most amazing gluten free grilled cheese. These were the moments that brought me the most joy. This is where I opened my eyes to glimpse hope not just in my situation but in my daily life. This is where I am beginning to see hope again. 

Where do you see hope?

Oh and if you ever wondered if God has a sense of humor...I was asked to help on a youth retreat next week. Guess where I’m staying....Hope College!

What Do You Have to Share?

This morning I read a little gift and it was SO needed. Each day is a gamble when you live with Lupus, Celiac, or any chronic illness. Today, I am in pain and after changing out of my pajamas and walking downstairs I am exhausted. Today, we have doctor's appointments. Hello! Today is not a good day...but we don’t get this choice. 

What I did get this morning was a gift of wisdom. As I turned off my alarm I pondered whether to take a quick scroll through social media or open my Bible app. Today, like most days when I make the right choice, I find a little gift. 

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Hebrews 13:16 

It is easy to become disheartened when you have to say no I can’t help. We forget we each do good in different ways and have different things to share. Recently there have been several families in my community needing meals. I want to do good and share what I have with others but I’m not dependable because it's a gamble to know if I'll be well enough. I used to be frustrated with myself. Now, I know saying no is okay. I have to do what I am able to do, this is all, not what good I see every one else doing, what they have to share.

I may not have money to donate to a cause or energy to provide a meal for a family but I am able to send an encouraging word. What I have most days are words or just a smile. Giving what I have is not hard, it’s just that sharing what I have feels a little risky at times. And what I have to share is not what you have to share. Maybe you are a listener, a doer. Whether you have financial resources, musical talent, the gifts of wisdom, teaching, or listening we just need to use what we have and share it. There is a saying about Lupus. I have Lupus, Lupus doesn’t have me. Yes, I have Lupus, but I also have gifts I can continue to share with others. Today what I have to share will not include getting much physically accomplished (the laundry pile from my last post may have doubled in size) but I have words and a smile. 

What do you have to share?

Whole30 take 2: Doing Life in the Mess

I was planning on preparing for a new Whole30, but here I am just jumping in today. Honestly, I was going to start talking about my second Whole30 weeks ago and do prep, then like my life tends to do, it imploded. So, here I am telling you why I’m starting today because yesterday I had thrown in the towel. 

Our family has lived in crisis mode for awhile now. Some days are hard and you have to reach out and say I can’t do this alone. Our Easter was a nice dinner then full out war. War of emotions and anger. When I woke up, after very little sleep I sat in front of my bible and just realized I can’t do this alone. I reached out for prayer, I turned to scripture that had been shared with me. 2 Chronicles 20, because honestly at this time in our life there are no handbooks for our situation. And it’s hard. And just like King Jehoshaphat we are crying out, We do not know what to do, so let’s just keep focusing on you God. 

Yesterday, I was ready do nothing. I wanted to put on my comfy clothes, binge watch tv, and escape. I didn’t want to make hard phone calls, emails to case workers, and schools, let alone fold the laundry. Having a child with special needs is a full time job and I wanted to call in. But we don’t, because our kids need us. So, I was like no way am I starting my Whole30. And all day I argued with myself. It’s too hard right now.

But it’s giving in, hiding in the car eating my feelings. Hating myself. I don’t want that. It’s not good for me, it’s not good for my family. I remember how well I felt on my first Whole30  and let me tell you life was not peachy back then either. So, I’m going to get off this couch make me some Whole30 approved breakfast of sweet potato and eggs, and jump into what I can control. Today is going to be hard emotionally, tomorrow is not looking easier. This is a long journey we are on but I have to take care of my body and my emotions. On my last Whole30 I felt I could do this. Hopefully life won’t be as messy and I will blog more this time around or maybe I’ll blog more and just ignore the mess. 

So, here’s to getting off the couch and doing life in the mess! Maybe, I’ll fold the laundry, nah, who am I kidding! 

Once More

Our church has a Stations of the Cross 24 hours of prayer. It is a time to reflect, pray, and experience Easter with art. During my time tonight I found myself going between a drawing of Peter’s denial and a carving of the empty tomb. 

I feel I am at a place that needs resurrected. 

I opened my bible to read more about these stations. This is what I first opened to: 

Once more. 

My soul is yet again in a state of unrest. I deny God’s power even though time and time again he has been good to me. I am not the first to deny Jesus. Peter denied Christ three times the night before Jesus was crucified. He witnessed Jesus perform countless miracles. The dude walked on water, with Jesus. He still denied knowing him. He was in a state of unrest.

Even though I have seen God’s power in my life, I too deny him. I am denying his hope. His power to heal, how deep will our scars be? Will he deliver justice, how many families must suffer? We see a glimpse of healing, then it is gone. We sit with the elephant in the room. When will my soul be at rest? When will I stop denying his power?

Was Peter, too,looking for rest after his denial of Christ? In Luke 24 when Peter learns of the empty tomb, he runs. He needs to see. Does he now remember the power of Jesus? Does he now know his Jesus, his Lord, has the power to not only heal but resurrect life. Resurrect hope.

Once more. 

On this Easter I am running to the empty tomb and in the emptiness I am once more reminded of his power. He will resurrect my hope. He will once more bring my soul to rest.

You Are Never Alone in the Fire

Life is not fair. We all know this. If you have a perfect life with no major tragedy you are in the minority. And even though life is not fair we have a choice. How am I going to view my life? What is my perspective? Because honestly I will tell you straight up, my life has had it's sucky moments...And there will be more sucky moments. So here I am on my 41st birthday thinking about my sucky moments...These moments have defined my life and these sucky moments are now blessings. 

Our pastor this week asked us to write down moments in our life God has brought us through. I often think of the story of Shadrach, Mechach, and Abednego in Daniel 3. Their's is a story of life in sucky moments.  They are bound and thrown into a fire, when the king looks into the fire there are no longer three bound men, there is a fourth. Sometimes we are freed from the fire without the smell of smoke, but there is no doubt I have never been in the fire alone. Looking back on my 41 years fires have raged, each time I have come out unbound, and never alone.

I have decided to share a couple big moments to celebrate what God has brought me through and in looking back lessons which prepared me for future fires. These are the fire/sucky moments that rush into my mind when I begin to smell smoke, to remind myself God is with me. 

The death of my sister at 14. She was my rock. She suffered with Lupus for years with dignity. The lesson I will carry for all my days. Love hard, fight hard.

Just a year after her death my Lupus presented in my Central Nervous System. Literally, I lost my mind. I developed psychosis. There were hallucinations, I couldn't spell my name. I wanted it to end. I attempted suicide then spent four weeks in inpatient psychiatric care. I still suffer from chronic depression, I still check in with a therapist. It wasn't until my daughter was in high school that I would see the benefit, the blessing, the lesson. I could see her slipping, going deeper into herself. I saw the signs only because I had felt this darkness so many times. It is like quicksand. Because of my time in the fire, I could stand beside her in hers. And here we are two years later, watching for hot spots because depression doesn't just get better, preparing for graduation and college where she plans on studying music therapy. 

She is graduating in just over two months. I was told I wouldn't be here, she would not be here, we would not survive. I was pregnant with her, just 12 weeks, the doctors asked Jim into the hall. I could hear the question, "What plans do you have?" What plans? I was dying. They wanted to know if we needed help with hospice, did I want to go home? I choose to go home and wait. I had never felt so much peace. Each week I would see the nurses and doctors, each week no improvement. Then 30 weeks came and the doctors called, we don't know how but you're showing signs of improvement, your baby is thriving. She was born two weeks later. They rushed her off. I didn't see her till the next day. I felt peace. When I became pregnant with our son 18 months later we didn't know what the outcome would be. We were given an ultimatum by the doctor. Abort or don't watch your daughter graduate. She wasn't gentle, she was fearful. She had watched her mother die of Lupus. She knew the stress of each pregnancy and each flare to come will damage my body. We choose life for as many days God will give us. Love hard, fight hard.

These are my big fires, moments that suck the breathe out of me. There will always be fires, our family can smell the smoke right now. But we know we are not alone, God is walking right along side, unbounding us, and in time we will see the lesson, the blessing. Happy birthday to me as I am sitting here at 41 with my family, loving hard, fighting hard.

To Be Revived I Must Be Healed

I asked God to revive me this year. Revive. The word I chose to transform my life in 2017. I did not realize to be revived I would need to be broken or allow what has been broken to be exposed.

Revive - to give new strength. 

He will renew our strength. Isaiah 40:31...As if we have lost it...

I thought being strong meant I don’t fall apart. There are no cracks in my faith. Everything looks good from the outside so everything on the inside must be good. 

Strong...because God will keep me strong. Those who trust in the Lord will not grow weary. They will stay strong.  I am growing weary, losing my strength. However, I still believe God will keep me strong enough to not grow weary to the point I cannot persevere. I think...  What if cracks begin to form in my trust and my joy begins to crack? Doubt begins to seep in, am I too far past the point of perseverance? What if healing is what I need to persevere? To be revived?

As I have asked God to bring me revival I expected him to bring a fire to my faith. Instead, it has brought me to my knees, broken with no words, calling out Lord, Lord. 

I’ve spent years praying for physical healing but never have I thought to pray for emotional healing. Illness has taken a toll not only on my body but on my mind as well. And surely the cracks are now clearly evident. I may greet you with a smile, but I find myself retreating. I haven’t been in a church service in months. As the music begins the tears flow and I retreat. My heart was not prepared for the emotional trials we are now facing because I have not allowed healing to take place. I ignored my emotional health while urging my body to fight. The ups and downs of life with a chronic illness leave scars not only on my body but in my mind as well. It has taken a family trial to bring these scars to light.

And where light is allowed healing will begin. This is where I will find my revival, healing. It is here I will gain new strength, it is here I am challenged to allow Him to heal my heart.

...if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.   2 Corinthians 5:17